Single Mother on the go

"When I miss you, I just close my eyes and I am with you".

A lady is crying quietly in the dark, she keeps on weeping. She just cried quietly, while lying on her bed. She keeps on staring at the ceiling looking for an answer as if she could find it there. These happened continuously for a day, a week and a month. Her boyfriend just broke up with her and crying is her channel to mend her broken heart.

She wanted to let go and move on with her life. Every time she tries to forget she just keeps on remembering the love they shared, the promises they build and the life they wanted to be with one anther forever. Tears will just come out and fall on her cheeks, because all those things are now just part of her dream and hoping one day it will come true. But no, it’s just one of her broken dreams.

She could not deny the pain that she is going through, but still she keeps on admitting that her heart still beats for her boyfriend. She’d given all, all the best things she could offer. All what she did was just to love her boyfriend more than anything else, thinking that if she gives all the love, their relationship might work out for the good of both of them. However it turns out differently, she thought she give enough love for him. But this is what she gets pain, tears and rejection. In the quest of love nothing is certain if only one partner have the desire to work it out. It takes two tangos, to make things possible. If things are no longer certain for both of you, it’s better to get out in that relationship and have yourself break and think for yourself alone.

I never had a time to share what had happened to me last week. Because its a surprise and everything went really fast. So here I am sharing this big blast surprise of mine. Even if my beau reprimanded me of not doing anything about it. But I just could not let it pass by without sharing bits and pieces of it. I hope he would not mind at all if I will just share a little thing about it. But before that, have you had a big surprise in your life? Do you like surprises? Would you get mad or angry to the person, if he/she would surprise?

Anyways, its been so long since my Beau and I had been in a long distance relationship, to be exact we are away for 1 yr, 1 month, 26 days, and 1 hr. Ohh well, every minute in an hour is really counted. Because for me, the day is really long if I am not with him. It seems that the earth is moving so slowly and time is not running fast. But it all ended when the clock strikes on the third month of the year. After all, it happened and I never expected it. Viola... surprise... I could not say anything I am speechless and YES I am really surprised of what he did.

Even its almost a week, until now, the feeling of being surprised still lingers in my nerves. For the time being, I'd like to share just that part only. I wanted to share more, but like what I've said my Beau dont like me to discuss more and detailed when it comes to blogging. I understand he is entitle in his own privacy. I'll just share some more in my incoming post.

I am not very much into sports, although I play some sports but not that much. However, my beau is a big fan of some sports. He even makes sure that he is always updated about the news when it comes to his favorite basketball. Well, I am not surprised about that, because most men really love basketball. So, I would not wonder why he likes basketball. What really makes me surprised is that he like the Monaco grand prix hospitality, he was actually influenced by his brother in law. They are both going out and following the grand pix. Sometimes they would arrange for some reservation in any of the packages.

Since I am new to these things, I keep on asking him a lot of things, which I am also thankful because he patiently explained it to me. Even if he keeps on explaining it to me, I would not really understand the point about this sports and really wonder why a lot of people would do such things. But in anyways, I still support him because I love him. At least it’s the sports that he is crazy about not girls. So I am still good and ok with this hobby that he is crazy about.

Anyone of you have any idea how being loyal differs from being faithful.

If a person is LOYAL its someone who doesn't leave someone, even if he/she find somebody else who treat him/her much better. He/she might dare to flirt with someone, but eventually they will get tired, because it's with someone special they really wanna spend their life.

On the hand a person who is FAITHFUL doesn't care about other people, because someone special is enough for them. They might get seduced by another person, but they completely wont fall in love, because someone else already has taken their heart.

This post is dedicated to all my readers and bloggers who pass the chance to let the person know how they feel for each other. Even if you are a woman, dont be hesitate to let the man knows that you are in love with him. Who knows he might also feel the same way. If he doesn't love you or feel the same way. No more what if's in your life. Hope guys you will find lessons on this letter. I've been collecting love notes from Joe D Mango page and radio program. Since this month is our Love Month and Happy Hearts day. I hope you could enjoy reading it.

Dear Joe,

John and I had been officemates and friends for a long time, having worked in the same company for close to six years now. He used to bug me about a girl friend of mine whom he likes very much, something that sometimes annoys me despite the fact that John and I are quite close.

Visitors this would be another part of my collections from Joe D' Mango Love Notes. It isnt't my favorite love letter, but this gives lessons for everyone. Who is in the merge of letting go part. Just an added note letting go someone you love is really not easy. But on the lighter note, it doesnt't mean that you dont love them much. In fact, you love them so much because you've sacrificed your own happiness, right? So, if its time to let go. Just let it go as easy as that. If you know the song the Art of Letting go, its a good song for everyone who wants to move on. I hope guys you enjoy reading this another Love Notes from Joe D' Mango.

Dear Joe,


Everyone told me that setting the one I love free could give me peace of mind. But I never thought it would be this painful.

Joe, I had this on and off relationship for two years. To other people, it was almost too good to be true. The first time Jay broke up with me, he said he needed time to take care of matters at home and school. I tried as much as I could to understand him. Months after the break-up, when I was already starting to date other guys, he asked for a reconciliation. I accepted him back.
My parents approved of him so much, Joe. He was like a member of the family. There were even times when we fought and my mom would take his side. Funny but true. He was well loved by my family.

Later that year, he told me that he was not so sure of his feelings for me. Both of us worked on it. But all the love, time and effort I gave wasn't enough to make him stay. And I never realized that I could love someone this much until he had left. I could not tell my family about it. Jay told me not to close the door yet. He said that after a year, if he didn't have girlfriend yet, it would mean he really loved me. Joe, my mind tells me to let go but my heart tells me to stay and wait.

I can understand the first time was really a mistake. But now, I don't know. In every decision I make, I would always consider him. I never complained when we would not even go out in a week or two. I never said anything when he told me his feeling for me had diminished. He said that the friendship we had was so true that he could not afford to lose it. He said he was afraid that time would come when we would have to part ways so he was trying to save the friendship while he still could.

Joe, I am working on my papers to fly to the US. But until now, I am still not sure if I really want to go. What if he decides to come back and I'm not here anymore? What if I stay and then realize that I am waiting for nothing? I don't know, Joe. They said that I am young and should not waste my time on him. But I love Jay so much. Letting go is not going to be easy as they say.

Joe, I know God has a reason for doing this to me. But does it have to be this painful? I remember one time you said that letting the person know how you feel and pursuing what you feel are totally different things. All I want is to let him know that I love him so much

I hope you could enlighten us both.


Sincerely yours,

Cathy

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Cathy,

I am almost certain that you are holding on to someone who you think is still there but has really been long gone. Jay was just looking for a decent way out of your relationship. You know how men can get away with words. Saving the friendship was just an excuse. And it was totally unfair when he wanted you to hold on and see if he still loved you after a year had passed. That was an outrageously selfish proposition.

Cathy, there is nothing wrong in loving someone. You may be able to bear the pain when love begins to hurt. And when it hurts, you may still be able to give even more. You may be even able to love until it hurts no more. But what good does it bring you when the person you love shows no respect for what you feel and makes lame excuses for his inability to love you back. Love isn't love until you give away. But love will only have life when it is shared by two people who believe in its meaning, by people who share one goal, one commitment, and by people who are selflessly loyal to each other.

God's ways aren't always easy and painless. Some are meant to open our eyes to what we do not see. Some are meant to make us realize what we stubbornly refuse to understand. But all of them will always be meant to make us stronger and better persons. We just have to trust Him on that.

Cathy, you may find your way to the farthest planet and still remember Jay. Distance has little to do with forgetting. This healing should begin in your heart. Acceptance is the first step to recovery. Once you have learned to understand that this is where it ends then it is the only time when you will learn how to move on with life without having to stop every time you are reminded of the bitterness of the past.


Joe

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms.

The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat.

My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms.

So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago. The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid;

I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb.

She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love.

I bought this apartment for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs.

Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, would be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.?

I have something to do in the company. Obviously, she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me..

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife.

Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. On the other hand, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body.

This was the means of my entertainment. One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently, she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out.

Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates.

But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I have something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again, I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I am serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said. Finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce, which had obsessed me for several weeks, seemed to be firmer and clearer. Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger.

Therefore, when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly.

Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus and I drove to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for along time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague. On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy. I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I’m serious. She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce.

My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old.

So I have to say sorry to you. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife, which was her favorite. The sales clerk asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

Every time I think about love, it always follows with the persona of Joe D Mango. You may think who this person behind that voice. Oh yes, he is indeed a disc jockey. His profile is not actually available anywhere, I don’t have any idea when did he start his career as DJ. However, he is very famous when it comes to advices about love. He was our doctor love. I’ve been his avid fan every since. Until he got a TV program called Love Notes, it aired for many years but like any other programs it also lasted. Therefore, he continues his career in giving love advices from one radio station with another radio station. Until I lost track, I no longer could not find him. I could not trace him where is he now. Since, I’ve been his avid fan I’ve also collected a few of his love notes and advices. I would like to share it with you guys, This would be a series of love stories from every where in the corner. Hope you will like it. Enjoy reading.

Love Notes = The Test of Love

Dear Joe,
I am a regular listener of your lovenotes program in TM. I love hearing your chosen stories and inspiring advises, but it never occurred to me that one day, i'll be writing my own story to you.

I am a 22 year old lady working in one of the biggest firms here in Makati. I can say that I'm contented with my life, I have a very supportive family, good job, good looks and I'm about to get married. Brad and I were engaged a year ago and are scheduled to get married on September this year. What I thought was simple got complicated the day I met Kurt.

I was rushing my way to the office when I suddenly bumped in to a guy in the pedestrian underpass. I did not mind about that bumping, since I really was on a rush, not knowing that i carelessly dropped my wallet. I still am not anxious about it until I reached my desk in the office. I was getting worried, of course, I got my ATM, my Credit card and all my cash in that wallet. I sent my messenger friend to my trails to somehow check for my wallet, though I know, it's impossible that he’ll find it . Lunch time came,an anonymous caller was looking for me. He introduced himself, then asked me out for lunch . I turned him down of course, but he told me he had my wallet and he wants to give it to me personally, so, I agreed. I never thought that event would change my whole life. That lunch out was not the last. I did not notice that hey! we're getting close. He usually calls, pages me sweet nothings, invites me on dates that I never turned down.

Joe, Kurt was irresistible. That closeness has grown into intimacy. Yes, Joe, I gave myself to him... I don’t know what got in to me.. Brad is an ideal boyfriend, I see no faults in him, but Kurt is really different. I tried to hide our affair from Brad, but I didn’t know for how long...Everytime Brad will do sweet things to me, guilt kills me.

But I guess, truth has its way of shining out. Kurt and I was in a movie house when Brad saw us. I can no longer hide from him what's going on between kurt and I since he found us in a bear hug. Brad was speechless. He never said a word, he just walked away. I called after him but he did not look back. I have no face to show him Joe, even to his or my family. Joe, why am I not happy with the ending of our relationship, I was supposed to be relieved by that...Not just guilty, Joe? I wanted to convince myself that everything was just a bad dream..a very bad dream. It's Brad I love and Kurt is just a subject of my feelings. But Brad is nowhere to be found Joe, I often call him up in their house even at his office, I don't know, maybe he's hiding from me, I guess I deserve it.

Two months had passed, my thrill with Kurt suddenly faded and that made him freak out and leave me. He told me he just used me and even boasted to his guy friends that he already got me.

It hurts Joe, I was even thinking about ending my life. I can no longer work. I'm so down. Three months had passed and I was beginning to recover when I bumped into Brad in a shopping mall. Brad looked me deeply in the eyes explaining what I am seeing, a pretty lady with his company. I just turned the other way and never looked back but my heart was breaking. Joe, a taste of my own medicine hurt like hell . I cried and cried Joe, why is it that when I am starting to recover, another situation will come up to pull me down? Why me, Joe? I am still not over him, I still love him Joe, very, very much. What will I do Joe? How can I survive? When I know that the look in his eyes showed me that he still cares? Shall I beg him back? Help me, Joe. Help me find him back. Help me find myself.


Sincerely yours,

Shannon

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Dear Shannon,

I could just imagine how devastating it was for Brad to see his fiancé bear hugging another man in a movie house. I know it took him lot of courage to turn away and not make a scene out of what he saw but it must have felt bitterly painful. Shannon, we all know that marriage should only happen once and once we’re into to it, there is practically no turning back. I believe this is the reason why relationships, especially those that are soon bound to the altar are given the final test. I have encountered a lot of called-off engagements and unrealized weddings because couples realized they were not prepared for many things and responsibilities that marriage entails. Others simply fall out of love and choose to break than make the promise they cannot keep.

Above anything else, the most conclusive test to any relationship bound for marriage is the test for love. God sometimes allows someone to break into the fortress of our seemingly impenetrable and strong commitment to someone and ultimately test our integrity and our faithfulness to the person we have vowed to share our lives with.
Shannon, I know you love Brad more than Kurt but there was just something in Kurt that made you take your chance and play a dangerous game where you have knowingly gambled your very own future. You were attracted to Kurt in a different way and he knew how to get to you. During the time that you were very intimate to him, he became everything that Brad wasn’t. He was part of an adventure that you enjoyed exploring even if you knew it’s deadly risks. Kurt was the test in your relationship . And you failed it. You have loved yourself more than you have loved your relationship and you set your conscience aside to have what you want and enjoy only what you wanted.

There is always a price we have to pay for the wrong we do. Kurt was only after what he can take from you. He never really loved you. All his efforts were just selfishly aimed towards his final goal - to get what he wants when he wanted it. You have fallen victim to his sexual and physical appeal but that was just all he had.
Shannon you have gambled and blundered but this doesn’t mean that you have lost everything. It doesn’t mean that there is nothing that you can start over with. First and foremost, you have to settle the past. Brad deserves an apology . Let him know how sorry you were for hurting his feelings and if losing him made you realize how much you really loved him then make sure he knows that, too. This is where you start off, Shannon with a new life with him, with someone else or just by yourself.
Shannon, we may stumble and hurt those we love but there is no mountain so high that love cannot climb over. There is no sea so wide that it cannot cross. Let us always remember that when there is love there is forgiveness and when there is forgiveness there is a hope for a new life, a new beginning and a promise of a beautiful forever.


Joe

Have you ever been experienced that you are being cheated by your boyfriend? It really hurts alot. Coming from my own experienced, yes indeed it really hurts a lot. I even thought of committing suicide because I can no longer bear the pain in my heart. But good thing there is an angel whisper in my ear that his not the only man in the world. I may meet a very wrong person because God is preparing me for the right one. That really convinced me to move on with my life and forgiveness follows. After all he gave me happy moments and good memories that I could cherished.

After you forgave the man who caused so much pain with you. Then friendship may follow, I accept his offer to be one of my friend. Anyways his one among the rest of my friends could really know the real me. So maybe he could help me in knowing the men more. But along the way, the road turns differently. Coz instead of me looking for another men, all my attention was focused on getting know more about him. In short we rekindled the love that we lost in the midst of war. As what they say "Love is sweeter on the second time round". I know this may not be the common thing that we filipinas are used to, but I must say its a great foundation in solidifying your relationship in dealing into the pain and rekindled the love that once lost. Because once you've survived and surpassed all those trials, there is no more trials that you both could not surpassed. Thats the lesson I've learned from this experienced.